


Ace of Heart

by Tiili97



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Acceptance and Love, Anders is not, Asexual Fenris, Asexuality, Established Relationship, F/M, Fenris is in denial about his asexuality, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Referenced Karl/Anders, Referenced Nathaniel/Anders, Referenced mutual dub/non-con, The Feelings Talk, There is Hawke/Fenris but only discussed and not in a good way so i didn't tag it as a relationship, Very not asexual Anders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-16 12:05:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9269771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiili97/pseuds/Tiili97
Summary: Fenris always knew something was wrong with him. Anders proves him wrong.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of thoughts about this fic, but I'll save them for the end notes. Enjoy!
> 
> Edit: Got a comment about some pretty bad implications involving the portrayal of rape in this fic. It's been fixed now, and thank you to anonymous commentor dys for bringing it up!

It all happened so fast. One moment, they were kissing on the bed – sweet, lazy kisses, after a day spent reading and cooking and little else, the kind of day that was becoming increasingly rare as the Qunari grew more restless. It was nothing out of the ordinary when the kisses grew a little deeper. When Anders moved to lay on top of him, it was a new, but not unwelcome development.

Then, the tips of his fingers edged under Fenris’ smallclothes.

Suddenly, the mage was on the other side of the room in a wheezing, surprised heap, Fenris up against the headboard, markings glowing brightly. His heart was beating in a panicked staccato ad he slowly lowered his hands after having shoved Anders off. All he could feel was a curious mix of fear and anger, frustration at his own reflexes, at the intense feeling of disgust that welled up inside him the moment Anders’ fingers strayed. It had been going so well, damnit!

“Fenris, what in Andraste’s beautiful bloomers just happened?” Anders voice cut through his thoughts. 

Fenris blinked and looked down at his pulsing brands which were dimming quickly and leaving them in the low light of the dying fire.  
“I’m… sorry.” He said, finally. “Won’t happen again. We can continue.” He had been enjoying what was going on – very much so. At least up until…

“Maker’s arse, we will,” Anders replied as he gor up from the floor, rubbing his back and pushing down Justice’s confused anger. It was clearly time for a feelings talk, and the spirit was not invited. Just when things had been getting good, too. Oh well. That’s what he got for falling for a lyrium-laced bucket of issues. “Listen, something clearly set you off, and I’m sorry for doing it. But I need to know what not to do.” He kept his voice level as he got back to the bed and sat down a courteous distance from where Fenris was still huddled.  
“Talk to me, love.”

The endearment made heat rise in Fenris’ cheeks, and he made a frustrated noise. Why could the damn mage just not let things be?  
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine.” 

Anders rolled his eyes at the answer.  
“Clearly not. Look, I get that you’ve… got bad experiences. But I want to help. If…” 

Fenris cut him off with an annoyed noise.  
“Fasta vass, mage! Stop your worrying. This has nothing to do with… that.” 

Anders snorted, annoyance creeping up on him as well. Fenris couldn’t be anything but uncooperative, it seemed.  
“What else would it be? You have no issue sharing your dark past when it is to push me into the ground, why must now be so different?” It was a low blow, and he knew it. Fenris hadn’t argued like that for weeks, not since this… thing of theirs began. 

Fenris, who was looking at him with shock and anger painted on his features. His mind was still stuck on the first few words Anders had said: What else would it be? As if there was no other reason to eschew sex. As if there was no one who found it repulsive in and of itself. As if it was something everyone enjoyed. And the mage called himself a master healer, when he clearly couldn’t see that there was something deeply wrong with Fenris. Anders looked with worry at Fenris’ clear conflict, trying to make it better.

Anders let out a frustrated breath.  
“I’m sorry. I won’t push you to do anything, Fenris, you know that. Just let me help.”

“You can’t help, Anders. I’m just broken.” Fenris sounded resigned, ears turned low and body angled away from Anders. 

Anders wouldn’t have it.  
“Fenris, for the love of the maker, talk to me. If there is something wrong, let us fix it.” He still sounded so damn hopeful, earnest like he always was. 

Fenris found himself wanting to disprove that.  
“I don’t like sex.” He said, bluntly, just to see Anders flinch. He didn’t, only looked on with those damnably understanding eyes. Fenris pressed on, determined now. “I hate it. The mere thought of it is gross and crawly and wrong. And it's not just... because I've had a bad experience with it. Most slaves did. Do. It's - it's different.” He shuddered, memories threatening to overtake, before Anders made a soothing noise and took his hand ever-so lightly, grounding him like he had so many times before. Fenris barely had time to give him a grateful smile before barreling on. It was like a floodgate had been opened.  
“I tried with others, once I was free. Not out of obligation – I know the difference between sex and rape, at least in theory. I wanted to try.” The last bit was added on hastily, knowing Anders was about to say something. He knew some of Anders’ history: It was hard not to read between the lines when they were so similar to his own. They shared a not-quite smile before Fenris continued. “ It was all the same. I couldn’t do it, and after a while I stopped. Told myself it wasn’t something I wanted to give just anyone. And then… Hawke.”

He paused. This was a delicate area – He didn’t want Justice running to exact unnecessary vengeance on their friend. The situation was complicated enough as it was. 

“She was different. She, I thought, would be able to help me get over it. That all I needed was someone I truly cared about. It wasn’t. I could barely get started, so to speak. But I was adamant, and she… helped.” He blushed again, but his ears were turned downwards. He couldn’t bring himself to explain it further, the slimy feeling creeping up again at the memory. He had come to Hawke with a purpose – had explained to her that he needed to get over his disgust towards the act, to enjoy it like he knew everyone else did.  
She had agreed – out of pity, out of love, out of care. He didn’t know. He never asked. “I left afterwards, as you know. I was ashamed of it, but I did.” Perhaps their budding romance had blinded them both to what was so plain to see: Fenris had used Hawke that night, as much as he hadn’t wanted what they did. After that… they were still friends, but whatever they could have had shattered on the ground before the fire that fateful night. “Everything felt… wrong. She… I...”  
He could find no words that would excuse his guilt. Only an explanation. “I never meant to hurt her, like that. I needed to know, if it was all in my head, or…” He didn’t know of an alternative. There were no words that he knew of to describe it. How does one explain a lack of something everyone seems to have?

He hated admitting it, but it was true, and Anders needed to see it. Head lowering, ears flickering in distress, Fenris awaited Anders’ judgment.

“Well.” Anders voice was light. Neutral. Terrifying. “I’m not sure what to say about that last bit. You both hurt each other, that is clear to see… Maker, this explains so much. “ Fenris cringed further in on himself, but Anders wasn’t finished. Anders’ hands in his tightened. “I do know this much, however: There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.”  
Fenris’ head snaps up, seeking eye contact that he has been avoiding up until now. There was nothing he would have expected in Anders’ eyes: No anger or confusion, just compassion.

It made Fenris angry, for some reason, and he bit out his response.  
“Have you not heard what I said? I am under no illusions this is normal behavior, Anders.” He would not stand for pity as Anders tried to soothe his feelings.

Anders rolled his eyes.  
“Maker’s balls, Fenris, listen to me. I’m not saying it’s not unusual, but it is certainly not unnatural.” 

How strange. Anders didn’t sound pitying, but rather… impatient. Like when he was handling a particularly stubborn patient.  
“There is no good word for it, but being indifferent or even averse to sex is not wrong. Some people… are just not interested in sex. It’s a bit uncommon, granted, but perfectly healthy. Sometimes it can be the aftereffects of some traumatic event, but often… it’s just who the person is.” Anders said with the strange mix of sarcasm and care that he usually carries when talking to Fenris, as if this was… usual.  
As if he had not just turned Fenris world upside down – no, as if he had not just turned Fenris world _right._

Never in a million years had Fenris thought that… that he was normal. That this wasn’t just another aspect of a normal life that Danarius had robbed off him for good. No, this was just a part of him – the him not constructed by Danarius. Something precious. Something _his._

Suddenly, he realized Anders was laughing quietly above him. He elbowed him almost gently in the ribs, relief making him playful.  
“What’s so funny, mage?”

Anders took a moment to regain his breath before he answered.  
“It’s just that… it’s all terribly ironic, really. Here I am, the entire circle’s dirty secret, the pearl’s greatest client, a veritable connoisseur of earthly delights,” Fenris elbowed him again, “and none of the people I have loved want sex.”

Fenris blinked.  
“What?”

Anders continued in a cheerful tone.  
“Well, Karl didn’t mind it much – he’d be down for a tumble now and then, but it was nothing he sought out for himself. He liked pleasing people, I think, but wasn’t fond of receiving pleasure himself.” His voice went wistful for a second, before he shook it off and went on. “Nathaniel, on the other hand, I’ve told you about him, right? Grumpy archer in the wardens, you’d get along like a house on fire. Either way, he said to me…” Anders’ voice dropped into an exaggerated grumble, “ ‘I’d resigned myself to having it, in the interest of a future heir, but it is about as appealing as bathing in darkspawn blood.’ And now there’s you.” He chuckled fondly.

“But you love sex. You’ve said so yourself. What happened?” Fenris demanded to know, apprehension creeping up again. 

Anders sniffed.  
“Well… with Karl, I continued to sleep around. He didn’t mind, and it was a good way to keep our relationship secret. Not that it helped, in the end.” Another moment of glumness. “Nate wasn’t as on board with sharing, and… I regret to say, I was young and foolish and couldn’t stand the thought. It was the source of many arguments and the end to our relationship.”

“And… with us?” Fenris could barely choke out the words. Strange, how he could face dragons and magisters without blinking, but this question was almost more than he could bear. But losing Anders after this rollercoaster of an evening… it would ruin him.

Anders smiled, the same besotted smile he had every morning they woke up beside each other. He bumped his forehead to Fenris’, playfulness shining in his eyes. Fenris’ ears perked.  
“I’m much too old for such shenanigans, thank you. I do still like sex, but it’s not something I need in a relationship. And there is no one else I want in my bed… for anything. I love you, Fenris. Nothing will change that. We’ll figure it out.”

Fenris let out a breath, every bit of tension leaving him as he sagged towards Anders’ embrace. He no longer had to worry about what it would lead up to. They could cuddle, and kiss, and fall asleep together. Tomorrow they would talk, and set boundaries, and Fenris felt freer than ever. Free, with his mage.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic in a sort of daze in the middle of the night because every fandom needs more ace fics. This is one of the darker things I've written, especially in terms of references to noncon. Fenris' explanation of his experiment with Hawke took many rewrites - I wanted to show that they both suffered from it, and that neither was really fully consenting but in different ways. 
> 
> Another thing that took much thought was the concept of the fic itself. I don't really like the trope of someone explaining to another what their sexuality is - there is too much room for error for that to ever be good. But I don't think Fenris would figure it out himself, and Anders is someone with lots of experience in these matters. 
> 
> In the end, I hope the result gets what I wanted to say across. I'm always open to thoughts, constructive criticism, and more ace headcanons ;) 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
